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I wish…
I had the strength to stand up for myself from the beginning. I had the courage to admit I don’t want the normal things. I would speak up before I shut down.
Sometimes, I guess I just feel so desperate to be loved, to be included, to be normal I latch onto any sort of attention. It’s not really an conscious thing, but it happens.
And even when I see that what they love most is how I could change and suit their purposes, I still fall into this trap of thinking that is OK to compromise, because don’t I want to be wanted and needed and loved?
But then I’m not myself again.
And it’s no one’s fault. Lots of amazing people make all sorts of compromises to be with one another.
But if I had to name the motivation that’s been building in me for all these years, it’s the desire to stop trying to be what I think other people want or need or expect.
I want to fucking do the things I want to do and I don’t want to feel bad about them. I don’t want to sacrifice because I’m holding out and waiting for someone else to do the same in return.
And maybe I miss out on things other people think I would’ve wanted. Maybe I change my mind and I don’t. Maybe it’s my life and I should finally own it.
I think it’s possible to be the sort of selfish I feel like I need to be without being some terrible person. But I have to do more than just tell people who would make demands of me that I can’t give them what they need; I have to be resolute in asserting the boundaries. If they continue to push or guilt me, then I have to be firm with the limits and I need to leave if we can’t respect each other’s needs.
And I shouldn’t fucking feel bad about it.
